A perspective to parents on communication with teens
We never have the right words to say: to comfort an apprehensive friend, to calm an indignant child. Sometimes, (oftentimes actually), to even reassure ourselves when our nerves are scrubbed raw and sweat beads down our foreheads. Telling yourself kind lies that “it’ll all be fine”, or “the pain won’t last forever” does the trick, and before you know it, the pain-staking ordeal is over. But, what if a parent is the communicator of those statements? Better kind lies than terrible truths? Fire would probably course through my veins if my parents told me that 9th grade doesn’t matter, think about the long run, or don’t beat yourself up, there’ll be loads of monotonous chapters to memorise in the future. While parents’ have guidance and concern woven in their intention, their words land with maddening noise on young teen ears. Makes me wonder if it would make more impact if they knew how to frame it better.
And there indeed are a plethora of efficacious ways of communication to ameliorate the relationship between a parent and a child.
Let’s look at some examples of what parents say and how it could be framed better, some a teen’s perspective:
Do you ever hear parents tell their anxious child “Exams don’t matter”. If, as a parent, you're really trying to put forth a valuable snippet of advice, it would help if you explain why 9th grade exams don’t matter as much as your 10th boards do.
A simpler example. “Eat your vegetables.” The child, ‘let's say her name is Anika. Anika will reply with, “Why? Why do I need to eat vegetables? They don’t taste good, and I’m not stuffing my mouth with something possibly inedible.”
Answer with, “If you eat your vegetables, you’ll be equipped with essential vitamins and minerals, which will supplement you in your fun and play.”
Circling back to the point of exams. While my parents do not pressurise me when it comes to exams, as they know I study well and manage my time efficiently, there are other households, where kids are pushed to the ground, by the burdens they bear.
Your child is doing everything they can. Be it for an exam or an extracurricular activity. A daunting subject like physics or a sport. They don’t need criticism and your anger. They need to know you will support them come what may.
Some ways to better your communication with your child are:
Express Genuine Interest: These questions aim to go beyond the surface and show a sincere interest in the other person’s thoughts and experiences.
Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements: This reduces defensiveness when talking to teens.
E.g~ “I feel more at ease when we talk openly.” V/S “You’re constantly hiding things from me.”
Use open-ended invitations: They invite more detailed responses and can lead to richer, engaging conversations with your teen or anyone you’re talking to. Instead of, “Did you have a good day at school?”, try, “Tell me about the most hilarious part of today.”
Share your feelings: This encourages the other person to delve deeper into their thoughts, and open up further. These are simple suggestions, which can be bent in order to suit your child’s needs, and your own preferences on good ways of communicating.
Children will grow. Step over the threshold into their teenage years. Walk out of the house as an adult, who thinks they can handle whatsoever the world throws at them. You shouldn’t try to clip their wings, prune their petals and stunt their growth. Let them grow.
Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay. We all are out with lanterns, searching for someone to talk to, scouring the earth for a friend, sometimes, even looking for ourselves.
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