What do you do when someone in an authority position come and say - "I expected more of you", "You're wrong"; "There is a different way to do it" ; "You're self obsessed".
Or when you have to tell your parent, spouse or boss a tricky secret or a confession. It is not easy.
We all have been in difficult conversations. Sometimes difficult conversations don't announce their entry. We know what it feels like. We want to be accepted, loved, respected and more than anything else we secretly want to be RIGHT (sub-consciously). Even a disagreement with another person feels unnerving. "Why can't they see it", "Why can't they understand me?" "I know I'm right" "No one understands me".
You may feel like you have to give up your viewpoint, power or even the fact that you are right. It feels in conflict to your values, belifs and purpose. And our evolutionary subconscious treats any conflicts with self-identity as THREATS. A threat leads to what renowned Psychologist Dan Goleman calls an ‘Amygdala hijack’- the flight or fight response.
This leads to your emotions leading the front and you may not be able to use the prefrontal cortex responsible for rational thinking. And we all know we need that during this time specifically.
Luckily you can get over this hijack and calm yourself to manage the situation and yourself. You can build your self-regulation skills.
So What is self-regulation?
It is the ability to control our behaviors in order to make long-term decisions rather than simply doing what we want in the moment. It is also the ability to manage our emotions when we are angry, disappointed, or worried.
How can we build self-regulation skills?
Create space - Emotions happen fast. You don’t usually think I’m getting angry. By the time you think that you are already angry. At such times it is important to take a pause. Slow down your breathing to counteract the flight-fight response in your body. Don’t get tangled up in your thoughts at the moment. Just focus on your breathing.
Cognitive Reappraisal - Another strategy for improving self-regulation abilities is cognitive reappraisal, also known as cognitive reframing. This strategy entails altering thought patterns. Cognitive reappraisal, in particular, entails reinterpreting a situation in order to alter one's emotional response to it. Example- Your friend has been avoiding all your calls. Instead of thinking- My friend hates me, you can think- She must be busy.
When there is a chance to interpret a situation, Interpret it positively for the sake of your mental health, as negative thoughts and emotions are not good for your overall health.
Thought-stopping technique- Anytime you find yourself spiralling with negative thoughts at a crucial moment. Tell yourself to stop. Don’t indulge and get caught up in the thoughts. You can plan to write down all your thoughts later on when you feel you have the time and space to deal with this. Following thought suppression, all the time isn’t the best thing to do. Make sure you have an outlet to deal with this.
Practice mindfulness- Mindfulness is defined as the deliberate effort to maintain a moment-to-moment awareness of what is going on, both inside and outside of your head. Self-regulation necessitates self-awareness and monitoring of one's own emotional state and stimuli responses. Being aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior is the foundation of self-regulation: without it, you cannot reflect or choose a different path.
Identify and reduce triggers - You should not try to avoid or be afraid of negative emotions. But you don't have to keep putting yourself in situations that make you feel bad. When you start to feel strong emotions, start looking for patterns or factors that are present. Curiosity and honesty are required.
When you identify these triggers, you can begin to investigate why they are so significant and whether you can reduce their significance.
Make a choice about how to respond - In most cases, we have a choice in how we respond. If you tend to react to feelings of anger by lashing out at people, you're probably aware of the negative impact it has on your relationships. You may also notice that it does not feel right. Or, while it feels good at the time, the consequences are painful.
Recognise that you have the ability to choose how you will respond the next time you feel angry or afraid. That acknowledgement is potent. Can you try a different response instead of lashing out? Is it possible for you to express your anger to someone rather than confronting them? Consider what will happen if you change your responses.
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