Most often our emotions manage our lives - our behaviour, our choices, our regrets. Should it not be the other way round - we managing our emotions - or would that mean being too inauthentic, controlled, manipulative or suppressing our true feelings?
The trouble is our over emphasis on emotions and managing emotions. We feel it is our anger that is the problem. Or maybe our partner's perpetual gloomy temperament. We often envy a child's ability to be happy most often - unless their toy, or gadget is taken away from them. For very young children it is simple. They are 'happy' till they need something - food, attention, or enjoyment. For example - there is a need : say 'feeling hungry' and the symptom "Crying" to communicate to care-givers this need.
Simply put emotions are our body's language to communicate. As we grow older, this language gets more complicated, and difficult to comprehend even our ourselves.
This link between a need and physical expression of that need starts to become very convoluted. Probably because, as we grow older our 'needs' get complicated. We don't want food or need diapers changed. We want to feel respected, heard, valued. We want to be treated fair, we want others (peers, spouse, children) to behave in a particular way. We want things that even we don't know!
And while it is easy to blame it all on emotions, just we need to be more thoughtful about is the 'Need' that is driving the given emotion. The way our mind is 'thinking', makes our body 'emote' in a particular way.
Consider this situation. Your boss messages you - "The client has raised some issues. We need to talk." While there might be some super cool people, but for many of us, this short message can send us on an anxiety roller coaster. What you need to do is PAUSE and NOTICE that the problem is not the message itself. The root problem is what we THINK about the situation. Usually we would catastrophize - "It's something I did wrong", "She's unhappy with my work", "What will happen to my image of being perfect".
If you can notice that your MIND is THINKING is in response to a situation, you can have the power to manage your emotions in that moments.
Benjamin Libet, an American neuroscientist, in one of his experiments argued that between the Situation and our default response, our conscious mind has about half a second to intervene and alter thinking. This is where your Super power lies. If you can reframe your 'THINKING' towards any situation, you can change your emotional response to it.
For example: "It's something I did wrong" to "Let's hear what my boss has to say".
Or "She's unhappy with my work" to "What are the different issues client could have raised?" Or "What will happen to my image" to "We will solve the issue. It is about the problem and not me personally".
Be Mindful and calm, can help us make most use of the fraction of a second we have to modify our response, emotions and course of any discussion. Here are some quick techniques that have helped my clients and me.
Technique 1
Goal: To manage your emotions
When to use: When you are feeling emotional :-)
How:
Sit in a quiet space, eyes closed, embracing the present moment.
Check in with your thought or emotions that comes to mind.
Acknowledge it and feel the emotion without the thoughts.
Name the emotion, acknowledge that it‘s there and let it pass.
Technique 2
Goal: To manage your thoughts
When to use: In or before a tough situation
How:
Take three breaths.
1st breath- Focus on breathing
2nd breath: Let the body relax
3rd breath: Ask, "What's most important now?"
Technique 3
Goal: To manage your thoughts
When to use: When you feel triggered
How:
Find a comfortable position, standing, or seated
Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose for a count of 4 seconds.
Hold your breath for a count of 7 seconds.
Exhale slowly and completely through your mouth for a count of 8 seconds.
Repeat this set 5 times.
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